“Deer Totem” © D. Yael Bernhard
This painting dates back to 1986, when I first moved to upstate New York and was meeting new friends in the area. Books and workshops on shamanism were all the rage back then, and with my interest in all things primitive, I was drawn to these esoteric, tribal traditions. The idea that someone could manifest the power and senses of an animal was especially intriguing. What animal was my personal totem? Raccoons and owls came to mind, but in my twentyish turmoil, I did not know.
I could, however, recognize animal attributes in other people, including a particular new friend whose natural serenity really struck me. This was a character trait that I lacked. This woman exuded a special calmness and humility, almost to the point of being self-effacing. She was self-possessed, self-sufficient, and self-reflective. Never once did I hear her speak unkindly of others. I coveted these qualities, but couldn’t bring myself to envy someone so good natured. She seemed almost other-worldly – or possessed by an animal spirit, so I imagined.
I felt certain my friend’s animal totem must be a deer. She had that certain shy elegance about her. When she entered a room, she stepped gingerly, unassuming as a doe wanting to blend into the forest. And blend she did. This woman was an introvert, unlike me with my ungainly, overly expressive nature.
So I painted what I perceived as her deer totem. I used muted colors, drawing upon masks and carved figures from various shamanic cultures for inspiration. Her arms form a sort of figure-8 in a gesture of self-containment. Then I folded her legs within the space that created, made a geometric vessel of her belly, and added contrasting color to her most tender female parts. She was, after all, a she-creature.
This is painted in gouache, with which I had a 30-year love affair before migrating to acrylics and oils. I used colored pencils in order to create texture on top of the solid areas. This gives the image a more organic appearance.
What I remember most about this painting is that it slipped out easily in one sitting. There were no agonizing decisions to make, no fitful trial and error or failed experiments, which was all too often the case in my early years as an artist. I imagined this was my friend’s spirit entering the image, born with little effort on my part – it seemed to have a life of its own.
My friend now lives about an hour away, and has crossed my path only a few times in recent years. I saw her two months ago, and though aging now, she was shy and graceful as ever. That she is truly a doe, I do not doubt. I never told her this painting was about her. I was afraid it would make her uncomfortable to be interpreted and portrayed. Maybe she knew, and kept it to herself. Maybe she’s reading this post right now. I wonder if she recognizes herself in the image.
The original painting sold a long time ago, but as with most of my images, it’s available as a poster or greeting card.
A good week to all!
D Yael Bernhard
http://dyaelbernhard.com
children's books • fine art • illustration
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